Accountability BUILDS Self-Esteem

Is she Lazy?

A liar?

Or both?

Rather harsh thoughts from someone who fancies himself as a "builder" of self-esteem. However, there ARE times when the carrot ceases to work. Then it's time to bring out the stick. And 8-year-old Tammy (not her real name) has me grasping for a baseball bat!

They say that a dog knows the difference between being kicked and being tripped over. Well, this teacher of 31 years knows the difference between a student who "doesn't get it" and a student who is simply slacking off.

After 5 weeks of drilling the same song, Tammy still can't find the first note on her own. CORRECTION: Tammy can do it... apparently; she has made up her mind that she WILL NOT DO IT.

FINE! Patiently, I try running the drill.... AGAIN!

Me: "What's the name of the first note?" (I demand that my students THINK for themselves)

Tammy: (without any sign of effort) "I don't know."

Me: "Is it a line note or a space note?"

Tammy: (rolling her eyes, mumbles) "Line"

it's a space note

Me: (persistent as always) "It's a space note. Which space is it in?"

Tammy: (huge sigh, clearly she wants no part of this) "I don't know."

Me: (quietly but unmistakably firm) "Tammy, turn around and look at me. Your assignment book says that you practiced 5 days for 30 minutes each of those days. (my students are required to keep a practice log and have it signed by their parents before each class) This is your fifth week on the same song. Not only can't you play it, but also now you are not even trying. Worse, you are showing me a very poor attitude. This behavior is not acceptable. I'll be calling your parents later this evening." (I never see her parents after class. They drop Tammy off in front of the building and pick her up 30 minutes after her class is done.)

I should end the class and send Tammy out of the room. That's exactly what she wants but not necessarily what she needs right now. So we continue to drill for the remaining 20 minutes, but as you can imagine, the atmosphere isn't exactly conducive to anything productive at this point.

Well, Tammy might not be able to play a note on the piano, but she certainly knows how to PLAY her parents. Before I have the chance to call Tammy's parents I am put into a position of having to defend myself!

According to Tammy's father, she is absolutely inconsolable since returning home from music class that night. Between deep sobs, she tells her parents of how I went completely crazy, yelling and screaming, berating and totally humiliating her. In an effort to manipulate me with guilt, the dad tries to blame me for destroying Tammy's fragile self-esteem.

I won't say that Tammy is spoiled. I will say she is quite the little salesperson as her parents buy the whole act. For them, this is the last straw, and they withdraw Tammy from my school.

Through parents of other students I learn that this is not a "premier performance" for Tammy. It is actually a regular scene that works for her whenever she doesn't feel like making the effort in school or any other extra-curricular activity.

In a follow-up letter to Tammy's parents, I state that I am deeply concerned for her development and well-being. I explain to them in detail how my program demands accountability from both the student and the parents. I advise them to allow Tammy to suffer the consequences of her actions (or lack thereof) and to stop running to her aid every time she whimpers. I strongly urge them to seek the advice of other family members and friends, and maybe some professional counseling if what I wrote makes sense.

I tell them the story of the hiker walking through the forest. On the trail, he finds a bird's egg that has fallen from a nest high above the ground. Upon closer inspection, he notices a tiny creature trying to break free from its shell.

The hiker's heart fills with compassion and he gently "helps" the baby bird by separating the shell. Within minutes, the young bird dies.

Later on that day, the hiker learns that his "help" is what kills the bird. You see, the bird needs that struggle to get out of the shell in order to build enough strength to survive. Without the resistance, the bird never develops and quickly dies.

To my surprise, the mom actually responded to my 7-page letter. She admitted that she really had no idea what Tammy had to practice, or if she actually practiced at all. She didn't know Tammy was doing so poorly nor had an attitude problem. She wrote, "Why didn't you tell me all this before?"

Mom, the weekly practice report which YOU SIGNED should have given you a small clue! You would have seen the same song assigned for 5 weeks in a row. You would have seen my suggestions on how to practice and comments on what specifically to pay attention to.

Thankfully, this 'worst-case' scenario is very rare. In all my 31+ years of teaching, I have probably encountered it no more than two or three times.

In a previous post you will know that I am all for parental support. In my experience, it is far more common for a parent to be critical with the child. However, in the above example, this is not a case of parental support. It is more of a case of TOTAL DEPENDENCY. Moreover, I honestly do not know of anyone building a strong self-esteem while remaining totally dependant on someone else.

Should this happen again, I will immediately call the parents in for a group discussion together with the child to explain my methods as well as my expectations. Close monitoring and communication will follow for the next several weeks. Full cooperation and improvement will be required for continuation in my program.

I mean, the money is nice and I do need to eat... but sometimes the aggravation is just not worth it.

What would you do? You may have a similar situation (not necessarily child related) with a subordinate, for example. Your comments and suggestions will be most welcomed!

Posted by russhamel